No, my teen is not 16, nor is she pregnant. You can all let out that sigh of relief now. However, there is a reality show, A REE AL IT YYY SHOW!!!, called 16 and pregnant. My teen made this wonderful comment about it, "Get pregnant as a teenager and we'll make you a star. That's real smart." She has a point. The dangers of having sex are so much greater than just getting pregnant. Teaching a teen, or someone younger these days, the importance of safe sex is not just about avoiding pregnancy. In my opinion, and this is just the world according to Dana, why not have a reality show called "16 with gonorrhea" or "16 with multiple sex partners". It will never happen, but you get my point.
The conversation continued with a statement from my teen of "You would kill me if I got pregnant." I was sort surprised by this. So, I asked her, "When your brother came to us last year asking for help with his addiction, how did I react?" She said, correctly, "You helped him." I asked her why she thought we would treat her any differently. She said, "because he was an adult, and I'm not." Wow! My mind struggled with this for just a split second. I told her it had nothing to do with age. I said, "Pregnancy is hard. Teenage pregnancy is even harder. Why would I want to make an already hard situation more difficult?" She asked, "But you would be angry wouldn't you?" I said, "I wasn't mad at your brother. I didn't yell or scream. Yes, there were times I felt angry, but my job is to help my children, not hurt them. Not all parents get this. Could you imagine how difficult it would be to go through this [current transition in our lives] if I had yelled at you every day of your life? Or what if I didn't show you love and compassion everyday? How would you feel about what's about to happen?" In her perfect attitude, she replied, "Oh, I wouldn't just be sad, I'd be pissed!"
Her response only further confirms my theory about parenting. Angry kids are the product of angry parents. School mornings around our house are pretty quiet and fairly calm. Always has been; always will be. School days are hard enough for kids, why would I want to make it any more difficult? I will be late for work if it means my child has the book she needs for school or the things she needs for the party that she forgot to tell me about. Does it happen often? No, maybe once or twice a year. Why? Because all of her life, we talk about school the night before. When she was younger, she had her clothes out - shoes, belt, and socks included - so we weren't on a hunt the next morning. Her backpack was ready to go before she went to bed. You see, that's what parenting is. It's not yelling at your kids when they make a mistake. It's teaching them and showing them and behaving yourself in such a way that they learn how NOT to make mistakes.
Now, I do believe that behavior does exist in some gene of our DNA. I know that there are some folks out there that never get anywhere on time or always manage to forget at least something every day. But, these people have other strong behavioral traits they can, and should, pass on to their kids.
My teen is older now. We don't talk much about what she needs the next day for school. That was a little harder a few years ago, somewhere around middle school. And we had several days of tears and frustration as she learned to be independent in this way. Now when I ask her the night before if she has her homework or if she did her laundry, her response is "Mom, I don't need your help. I have this." That's my girl!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Connections
As my teen and I begin to move in different directions in life, it becomes increasingly difficult to "connect" with her. I try through fairly normal means of communication - talking, texting, facebooking, watching TV, church, the dinner table, and family gatherings. Unfortunately, when it comes to making difficult decisions in the direction of the family, sometimes it becomes even HARDER to connect!
For the most part, my teen is a "why" kind of person. Tell her your reasons and she is more likely to respond positively. She wants to be prepared for whatever is up and coming in her life. From doctor's visits to ballet classes, she wants her life scheduled and on-track. At least she is this way MOST of the time. Turns out, there are some things she doesn't want to connect with.
When the family decisions cause her to leave her comfort zone, she doesn't want to know the details. Unfortunately, I am having to spend most of my days in the details. So the random phone calls and the topics of conversation are no longer interesting to her. She tunes me out when I am talking about the subject and that seems to be most of the time.
We will get it together. As someone once told me, it is always OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end. Praying the end will get here soon!
For the most part, my teen is a "why" kind of person. Tell her your reasons and she is more likely to respond positively. She wants to be prepared for whatever is up and coming in her life. From doctor's visits to ballet classes, she wants her life scheduled and on-track. At least she is this way MOST of the time. Turns out, there are some things she doesn't want to connect with.
When the family decisions cause her to leave her comfort zone, she doesn't want to know the details. Unfortunately, I am having to spend most of my days in the details. So the random phone calls and the topics of conversation are no longer interesting to her. She tunes me out when I am talking about the subject and that seems to be most of the time.
We will get it together. As someone once told me, it is always OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end. Praying the end will get here soon!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Small Town
You know, things are so different than they were when I was 14. Not to give away my EXACT age, but that was several years ago. The King of Pop was just starting his reign; I had never spoken the word "internet"; and cellular phones were bigger than bricks. I grew up in small towns and being sheltered was an advantage. This looks nothing like the world in which my teen lives.
I spoke with my teen today about the advantages and disadvantages of growing up in a small town or a big town. Her response was, in my opinion, smart. She said "Small towns have too much drama. Everyone knows everyone's business. And I would just DIE in a small town! I wouldn't fit in; I would stick out." She has obviously not been sheltered.
It's a big world out there. It used to be easy to shut out anything outside your own borders. Now-a-days, those borders are vague, blurred, or non-existent. Thanks to immediate news reports and instantaneous tweeting, facebooking, and blogging, everybody knows everybody's business. It's not just limited to the small town. Text-messaging, multi-media messaging and email keep you as much involved in the business of someone around the world as around the corner.
The small town I grew up in still exists; and it's still small. Her small town encompasses the globe.
I spoke with my teen today about the advantages and disadvantages of growing up in a small town or a big town. Her response was, in my opinion, smart. She said "Small towns have too much drama. Everyone knows everyone's business. And I would just DIE in a small town! I wouldn't fit in; I would stick out." She has obviously not been sheltered.
It's a big world out there. It used to be easy to shut out anything outside your own borders. Now-a-days, those borders are vague, blurred, or non-existent. Thanks to immediate news reports and instantaneous tweeting, facebooking, and blogging, everybody knows everybody's business. It's not just limited to the small town. Text-messaging, multi-media messaging and email keep you as much involved in the business of someone around the world as around the corner.
The small town I grew up in still exists; and it's still small. Her small town encompasses the globe.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Johari Window
Ever wonder how you might be different if at the age of 14 you were able to hear what others thought was your greatest weakness?
One of the things I enjoy the most about conversing with my teen is her ability to engage with topics that she might not find interesting, but are important to me. I have recently been through SEVERAL job interviews and have done a lot of research on how to answer interview questions. The one most folks dread is the one question I had a firm answer for: What is your greatest weakness?
I was sharing this with my teen when she commented that she felt her greatest weakness was her temper. Now, don't get me wrong, her temper IS, at times, her greatest weakness. But, I told her I felt her greatest weakness was her inability to focus on any one thing for an extended period of time. What is interesting is that her dad had a different idea of what her greatest weakness is. Dad said he felt her greatest weakness is her attitude toward new ideas.
As with most teens, mine thinks she knows everything about everything. I have an idea that this is mostly a response out of fear, but still, she puts up her defenses when it comes to new things. This can include a new food, a new outlook about an old subject, a new movie genre, a new restaurant, etc.
It made me think of one of my favorite topics in psychology - self-awareness. There is a very useful tool for better understanding oneself, and that is what is called the Johari Window. It is a tool that allows folks to understand how it takes everyone around you to really understand who you are.
For example, have you ever known anyone who would bounce their leg when they were nervous. Or maybe they're not even nervous, they're just bored. You reach over and put your hand on their knee to make them stop because they're shaking the couch, table, or maybe the whole room. Were they aware they were behaving like this? Maybe, but probably not. That is the idea behind self-awareness.
Take a look at the picture below. It's called a Johari Window. You can google it yourself and find out all the philosophy behind it, but I use this tool often. When I spoke with my teen about it, she was pretty excited. She loves psychology, kinda like her mom does. She was able to take in the information provided by her dad and I about her greatest weakness. I believe she will always remember what we said and will consider those things as she grows.
One of the things I enjoy the most about conversing with my teen is her ability to engage with topics that she might not find interesting, but are important to me. I have recently been through SEVERAL job interviews and have done a lot of research on how to answer interview questions. The one most folks dread is the one question I had a firm answer for: What is your greatest weakness?
I was sharing this with my teen when she commented that she felt her greatest weakness was her temper. Now, don't get me wrong, her temper IS, at times, her greatest weakness. But, I told her I felt her greatest weakness was her inability to focus on any one thing for an extended period of time. What is interesting is that her dad had a different idea of what her greatest weakness is. Dad said he felt her greatest weakness is her attitude toward new ideas.
As with most teens, mine thinks she knows everything about everything. I have an idea that this is mostly a response out of fear, but still, she puts up her defenses when it comes to new things. This can include a new food, a new outlook about an old subject, a new movie genre, a new restaurant, etc.
It made me think of one of my favorite topics in psychology - self-awareness. There is a very useful tool for better understanding oneself, and that is what is called the Johari Window. It is a tool that allows folks to understand how it takes everyone around you to really understand who you are.
For example, have you ever known anyone who would bounce their leg when they were nervous. Or maybe they're not even nervous, they're just bored. You reach over and put your hand on their knee to make them stop because they're shaking the couch, table, or maybe the whole room. Were they aware they were behaving like this? Maybe, but probably not. That is the idea behind self-awareness.
Take a look at the picture below. It's called a Johari Window. You can google it yourself and find out all the philosophy behind it, but I use this tool often. When I spoke with my teen about it, she was pretty excited. She loves psychology, kinda like her mom does. She was able to take in the information provided by her dad and I about her greatest weakness. I believe she will always remember what we said and will consider those things as she grows.
Monday, February 1, 2010
She's a Baptist
Today my teenager was "bouncy" when I picked her up. Yes, "bouncy" like Tigger. She said it was a good day and was chatty most of the way home.
Turns out, she doesn't really like the people she eats lunch with. Or, I think more to the point, they don't like her. She sits there because that's where her boyfriend eats. But today, that table was full, so she got to have lunch with an old classmate from her private school. They chatted about old times and how people change. And, as usual, I'm sure she didn't eat more than a cookie or bag of chips.
She said, "I think Spanish is actually turning out to be one of my favorite classes." Well, after I quit gasping for air from the shock of that statement, I asked her "why?" Her answer was vague, but I think it has to do with an eclectic mix of students. My teen is the youngest, at 14. Most of the kids in that class are upper class-men, mostly Juniors and Seniors. It's a Spanish II class. My teen is in it because as it turns out, she's pretty bright. She actually skipped the 4th grade. That puts her ahead of the class. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I see it as maturing on her part.
The rest of the ride home was about something funny someone did or said. Names all run together after a while when there are no faces to put with them. She doesn't understand what they are currently doing in Biology, but that's OK, "because we're about to study evolution, which should be interesting because I've only had it from the Christian school point of view." According to the teacher, they won't stay on the topic long, because, as my teen informs me, "She's a Baptist."
Turns out, she doesn't really like the people she eats lunch with. Or, I think more to the point, they don't like her. She sits there because that's where her boyfriend eats. But today, that table was full, so she got to have lunch with an old classmate from her private school. They chatted about old times and how people change. And, as usual, I'm sure she didn't eat more than a cookie or bag of chips.
She said, "I think Spanish is actually turning out to be one of my favorite classes." Well, after I quit gasping for air from the shock of that statement, I asked her "why?" Her answer was vague, but I think it has to do with an eclectic mix of students. My teen is the youngest, at 14. Most of the kids in that class are upper class-men, mostly Juniors and Seniors. It's a Spanish II class. My teen is in it because as it turns out, she's pretty bright. She actually skipped the 4th grade. That puts her ahead of the class. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I see it as maturing on her part.
The rest of the ride home was about something funny someone did or said. Names all run together after a while when there are no faces to put with them. She doesn't understand what they are currently doing in Biology, but that's OK, "because we're about to study evolution, which should be interesting because I've only had it from the Christian school point of view." According to the teacher, they won't stay on the topic long, because, as my teen informs me, "She's a Baptist."
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