No, my teen is not 16, nor is she pregnant. You can all let out that sigh of relief now. However, there is a reality show, A REE AL IT YYY SHOW!!!, called 16 and pregnant. My teen made this wonderful comment about it, "Get pregnant as a teenager and we'll make you a star. That's real smart." She has a point. The dangers of having sex are so much greater than just getting pregnant. Teaching a teen, or someone younger these days, the importance of safe sex is not just about avoiding pregnancy. In my opinion, and this is just the world according to Dana, why not have a reality show called "16 with gonorrhea" or "16 with multiple sex partners". It will never happen, but you get my point.
The conversation continued with a statement from my teen of "You would kill me if I got pregnant." I was sort surprised by this. So, I asked her, "When your brother came to us last year asking for help with his addiction, how did I react?" She said, correctly, "You helped him." I asked her why she thought we would treat her any differently. She said, "because he was an adult, and I'm not." Wow! My mind struggled with this for just a split second. I told her it had nothing to do with age. I said, "Pregnancy is hard. Teenage pregnancy is even harder. Why would I want to make an already hard situation more difficult?" She asked, "But you would be angry wouldn't you?" I said, "I wasn't mad at your brother. I didn't yell or scream. Yes, there were times I felt angry, but my job is to help my children, not hurt them. Not all parents get this. Could you imagine how difficult it would be to go through this [current transition in our lives] if I had yelled at you every day of your life? Or what if I didn't show you love and compassion everyday? How would you feel about what's about to happen?" In her perfect attitude, she replied, "Oh, I wouldn't just be sad, I'd be pissed!"
Her response only further confirms my theory about parenting. Angry kids are the product of angry parents. School mornings around our house are pretty quiet and fairly calm. Always has been; always will be. School days are hard enough for kids, why would I want to make it any more difficult? I will be late for work if it means my child has the book she needs for school or the things she needs for the party that she forgot to tell me about. Does it happen often? No, maybe once or twice a year. Why? Because all of her life, we talk about school the night before. When she was younger, she had her clothes out - shoes, belt, and socks included - so we weren't on a hunt the next morning. Her backpack was ready to go before she went to bed. You see, that's what parenting is. It's not yelling at your kids when they make a mistake. It's teaching them and showing them and behaving yourself in such a way that they learn how NOT to make mistakes.
Now, I do believe that behavior does exist in some gene of our DNA. I know that there are some folks out there that never get anywhere on time or always manage to forget at least something every day. But, these people have other strong behavioral traits they can, and should, pass on to their kids.
My teen is older now. We don't talk much about what she needs the next day for school. That was a little harder a few years ago, somewhere around middle school. And we had several days of tears and frustration as she learned to be independent in this way. Now when I ask her the night before if she has her homework or if she did her laundry, her response is "Mom, I don't need your help. I have this." That's my girl!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Connections
As my teen and I begin to move in different directions in life, it becomes increasingly difficult to "connect" with her. I try through fairly normal means of communication - talking, texting, facebooking, watching TV, church, the dinner table, and family gatherings. Unfortunately, when it comes to making difficult decisions in the direction of the family, sometimes it becomes even HARDER to connect!
For the most part, my teen is a "why" kind of person. Tell her your reasons and she is more likely to respond positively. She wants to be prepared for whatever is up and coming in her life. From doctor's visits to ballet classes, she wants her life scheduled and on-track. At least she is this way MOST of the time. Turns out, there are some things she doesn't want to connect with.
When the family decisions cause her to leave her comfort zone, she doesn't want to know the details. Unfortunately, I am having to spend most of my days in the details. So the random phone calls and the topics of conversation are no longer interesting to her. She tunes me out when I am talking about the subject and that seems to be most of the time.
We will get it together. As someone once told me, it is always OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end. Praying the end will get here soon!
For the most part, my teen is a "why" kind of person. Tell her your reasons and she is more likely to respond positively. She wants to be prepared for whatever is up and coming in her life. From doctor's visits to ballet classes, she wants her life scheduled and on-track. At least she is this way MOST of the time. Turns out, there are some things she doesn't want to connect with.
When the family decisions cause her to leave her comfort zone, she doesn't want to know the details. Unfortunately, I am having to spend most of my days in the details. So the random phone calls and the topics of conversation are no longer interesting to her. She tunes me out when I am talking about the subject and that seems to be most of the time.
We will get it together. As someone once told me, it is always OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end. Praying the end will get here soon!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Small Town
You know, things are so different than they were when I was 14. Not to give away my EXACT age, but that was several years ago. The King of Pop was just starting his reign; I had never spoken the word "internet"; and cellular phones were bigger than bricks. I grew up in small towns and being sheltered was an advantage. This looks nothing like the world in which my teen lives.
I spoke with my teen today about the advantages and disadvantages of growing up in a small town or a big town. Her response was, in my opinion, smart. She said "Small towns have too much drama. Everyone knows everyone's business. And I would just DIE in a small town! I wouldn't fit in; I would stick out." She has obviously not been sheltered.
It's a big world out there. It used to be easy to shut out anything outside your own borders. Now-a-days, those borders are vague, blurred, or non-existent. Thanks to immediate news reports and instantaneous tweeting, facebooking, and blogging, everybody knows everybody's business. It's not just limited to the small town. Text-messaging, multi-media messaging and email keep you as much involved in the business of someone around the world as around the corner.
The small town I grew up in still exists; and it's still small. Her small town encompasses the globe.
I spoke with my teen today about the advantages and disadvantages of growing up in a small town or a big town. Her response was, in my opinion, smart. She said "Small towns have too much drama. Everyone knows everyone's business. And I would just DIE in a small town! I wouldn't fit in; I would stick out." She has obviously not been sheltered.
It's a big world out there. It used to be easy to shut out anything outside your own borders. Now-a-days, those borders are vague, blurred, or non-existent. Thanks to immediate news reports and instantaneous tweeting, facebooking, and blogging, everybody knows everybody's business. It's not just limited to the small town. Text-messaging, multi-media messaging and email keep you as much involved in the business of someone around the world as around the corner.
The small town I grew up in still exists; and it's still small. Her small town encompasses the globe.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Johari Window
Ever wonder how you might be different if at the age of 14 you were able to hear what others thought was your greatest weakness?
One of the things I enjoy the most about conversing with my teen is her ability to engage with topics that she might not find interesting, but are important to me. I have recently been through SEVERAL job interviews and have done a lot of research on how to answer interview questions. The one most folks dread is the one question I had a firm answer for: What is your greatest weakness?
I was sharing this with my teen when she commented that she felt her greatest weakness was her temper. Now, don't get me wrong, her temper IS, at times, her greatest weakness. But, I told her I felt her greatest weakness was her inability to focus on any one thing for an extended period of time. What is interesting is that her dad had a different idea of what her greatest weakness is. Dad said he felt her greatest weakness is her attitude toward new ideas.
As with most teens, mine thinks she knows everything about everything. I have an idea that this is mostly a response out of fear, but still, she puts up her defenses when it comes to new things. This can include a new food, a new outlook about an old subject, a new movie genre, a new restaurant, etc.
It made me think of one of my favorite topics in psychology - self-awareness. There is a very useful tool for better understanding oneself, and that is what is called the Johari Window. It is a tool that allows folks to understand how it takes everyone around you to really understand who you are.
For example, have you ever known anyone who would bounce their leg when they were nervous. Or maybe they're not even nervous, they're just bored. You reach over and put your hand on their knee to make them stop because they're shaking the couch, table, or maybe the whole room. Were they aware they were behaving like this? Maybe, but probably not. That is the idea behind self-awareness.
Take a look at the picture below. It's called a Johari Window. You can google it yourself and find out all the philosophy behind it, but I use this tool often. When I spoke with my teen about it, she was pretty excited. She loves psychology, kinda like her mom does. She was able to take in the information provided by her dad and I about her greatest weakness. I believe she will always remember what we said and will consider those things as she grows.
One of the things I enjoy the most about conversing with my teen is her ability to engage with topics that she might not find interesting, but are important to me. I have recently been through SEVERAL job interviews and have done a lot of research on how to answer interview questions. The one most folks dread is the one question I had a firm answer for: What is your greatest weakness?
I was sharing this with my teen when she commented that she felt her greatest weakness was her temper. Now, don't get me wrong, her temper IS, at times, her greatest weakness. But, I told her I felt her greatest weakness was her inability to focus on any one thing for an extended period of time. What is interesting is that her dad had a different idea of what her greatest weakness is. Dad said he felt her greatest weakness is her attitude toward new ideas.
As with most teens, mine thinks she knows everything about everything. I have an idea that this is mostly a response out of fear, but still, she puts up her defenses when it comes to new things. This can include a new food, a new outlook about an old subject, a new movie genre, a new restaurant, etc.
It made me think of one of my favorite topics in psychology - self-awareness. There is a very useful tool for better understanding oneself, and that is what is called the Johari Window. It is a tool that allows folks to understand how it takes everyone around you to really understand who you are.
For example, have you ever known anyone who would bounce their leg when they were nervous. Or maybe they're not even nervous, they're just bored. You reach over and put your hand on their knee to make them stop because they're shaking the couch, table, or maybe the whole room. Were they aware they were behaving like this? Maybe, but probably not. That is the idea behind self-awareness.
Take a look at the picture below. It's called a Johari Window. You can google it yourself and find out all the philosophy behind it, but I use this tool often. When I spoke with my teen about it, she was pretty excited. She loves psychology, kinda like her mom does. She was able to take in the information provided by her dad and I about her greatest weakness. I believe she will always remember what we said and will consider those things as she grows.
Monday, February 1, 2010
She's a Baptist
Today my teenager was "bouncy" when I picked her up. Yes, "bouncy" like Tigger. She said it was a good day and was chatty most of the way home.
Turns out, she doesn't really like the people she eats lunch with. Or, I think more to the point, they don't like her. She sits there because that's where her boyfriend eats. But today, that table was full, so she got to have lunch with an old classmate from her private school. They chatted about old times and how people change. And, as usual, I'm sure she didn't eat more than a cookie or bag of chips.
She said, "I think Spanish is actually turning out to be one of my favorite classes." Well, after I quit gasping for air from the shock of that statement, I asked her "why?" Her answer was vague, but I think it has to do with an eclectic mix of students. My teen is the youngest, at 14. Most of the kids in that class are upper class-men, mostly Juniors and Seniors. It's a Spanish II class. My teen is in it because as it turns out, she's pretty bright. She actually skipped the 4th grade. That puts her ahead of the class. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I see it as maturing on her part.
The rest of the ride home was about something funny someone did or said. Names all run together after a while when there are no faces to put with them. She doesn't understand what they are currently doing in Biology, but that's OK, "because we're about to study evolution, which should be interesting because I've only had it from the Christian school point of view." According to the teacher, they won't stay on the topic long, because, as my teen informs me, "She's a Baptist."
Turns out, she doesn't really like the people she eats lunch with. Or, I think more to the point, they don't like her. She sits there because that's where her boyfriend eats. But today, that table was full, so she got to have lunch with an old classmate from her private school. They chatted about old times and how people change. And, as usual, I'm sure she didn't eat more than a cookie or bag of chips.
She said, "I think Spanish is actually turning out to be one of my favorite classes." Well, after I quit gasping for air from the shock of that statement, I asked her "why?" Her answer was vague, but I think it has to do with an eclectic mix of students. My teen is the youngest, at 14. Most of the kids in that class are upper class-men, mostly Juniors and Seniors. It's a Spanish II class. My teen is in it because as it turns out, she's pretty bright. She actually skipped the 4th grade. That puts her ahead of the class. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I see it as maturing on her part.
The rest of the ride home was about something funny someone did or said. Names all run together after a while when there are no faces to put with them. She doesn't understand what they are currently doing in Biology, but that's OK, "because we're about to study evolution, which should be interesting because I've only had it from the Christian school point of view." According to the teacher, they won't stay on the topic long, because, as my teen informs me, "She's a Baptist."
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Old Age
A few years ago my teen was coming to grips with the idea that people grow old and pass on. As you have read earlier, she dreads growing up and always has. Couple this idea with a wonderful relationship with her grandmother (my mother) and you have a girl who has to come up with a way to make the results seem not so fatal.
We have always teased my mom by saying, "Nana is as old as dirt." Well, when my teen finally realized that old equals "closer to the end", she began defending Nana. The result was a teenager's defense to facing mortality.
She gave "old" a very practical definition. One day, in the middle of a particularly grueling roast about Nana's age, she proclaims, "You're not old until you have a child that is 40. And you don't have a child that's 40 yet, so you can't be old."
We still use that definition around here. Of course, Nana now has two children that are at least 40 and has, by a teenager's definition, officially become old. She still loves her Nana "to pieces;" she's just a little gentler with her now.
We have always teased my mom by saying, "Nana is as old as dirt." Well, when my teen finally realized that old equals "closer to the end", she began defending Nana. The result was a teenager's defense to facing mortality.
She gave "old" a very practical definition. One day, in the middle of a particularly grueling roast about Nana's age, she proclaims, "You're not old until you have a child that is 40. And you don't have a child that's 40 yet, so you can't be old."
We still use that definition around here. Of course, Nana now has two children that are at least 40 and has, by a teenager's definition, officially become old. She still loves her Nana "to pieces;" she's just a little gentler with her now.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Music
I know that some folks have BIG issues with music being so readily available on the internet for free listening, downloading, etc. For me, it's been a WONDERFUL way to connect with my teen.
We come from a long line of musicians. For her, it's on BOTH sides of the family. Her musical tastes, however, are much more eclectic than the generation before her. She listens to groups like Owl City, He is We, and Fine Frenzy. If you don't recognize those names, don't worry, you're not alone. What makes her taste eclectic is the music she listens to right along with those names: The Beattles, Sara Barielles, John Mayer, and Taylor Swift. She also loves French music. Anything by French artists she loves. She's got this amazing violin music that comprises arrangements of pop songs and heavy rock. It's cool because you recognize the tune and then think, "Wow. They're playing that with violins!"
What is MOST amazing, is how it bridges the two of us. Yesterday, on the ride home, I was listening to the radio when "Free Fallin'" came on. We were both singing at the top of our lungs when she asks, "You've heard the John Mayer live version haven't you?" Well, of course I hadn't. Unfortunately, my life has become so busy and complicated that I have given up trying to KEEP up with pop music. "Oh, mom," she says, "you've got to hear this!" So, she plugs her i-touch into the auxiliary jack and turns it on. WOW! What an amazing remix! Now, I'm not so far behind times that I don't know who John Mayer is, but I had missed this wonderful acoustic song. We both got home and went in the house singing together. A sweet memory was made that day.
We come from a long line of musicians. For her, it's on BOTH sides of the family. Her musical tastes, however, are much more eclectic than the generation before her. She listens to groups like Owl City, He is We, and Fine Frenzy. If you don't recognize those names, don't worry, you're not alone. What makes her taste eclectic is the music she listens to right along with those names: The Beattles, Sara Barielles, John Mayer, and Taylor Swift. She also loves French music. Anything by French artists she loves. She's got this amazing violin music that comprises arrangements of pop songs and heavy rock. It's cool because you recognize the tune and then think, "Wow. They're playing that with violins!"
What is MOST amazing, is how it bridges the two of us. Yesterday, on the ride home, I was listening to the radio when "Free Fallin'" came on. We were both singing at the top of our lungs when she asks, "You've heard the John Mayer live version haven't you?" Well, of course I hadn't. Unfortunately, my life has become so busy and complicated that I have given up trying to KEEP up with pop music. "Oh, mom," she says, "you've got to hear this!" So, she plugs her i-touch into the auxiliary jack and turns it on. WOW! What an amazing remix! Now, I'm not so far behind times that I don't know who John Mayer is, but I had missed this wonderful acoustic song. We both got home and went in the house singing together. A sweet memory was made that day.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Growing Up
From the time my teenager was about 8 or 9, she made it known how much she was NOT looking forward to growing up! I have prodded her several times to find out why she feels this way, and I never get a straight-forward answer.
We were talking this morning on the way to school about some college information she had gotten from the school of her dreams. She made the comment that her best friend sort of "groaned" when she heard what the packet was. I asked her why she groaned, and her answer was "she doesn't want to grow up either."
It's foreign to me to feel this way. I was always ready to be grown up - to do things adults did - to be on my own, independent. I'm not sure what it is she is dreading, but I'm going to keep on prodding until I find out why.
My suspicion is that one of these days she is going to want to do something that she is not quite old enough to do. When that conversation takes place, I will have to remind her that she is the one that didn't want to grow up.
We were talking this morning on the way to school about some college information she had gotten from the school of her dreams. She made the comment that her best friend sort of "groaned" when she heard what the packet was. I asked her why she groaned, and her answer was "she doesn't want to grow up either."
It's foreign to me to feel this way. I was always ready to be grown up - to do things adults did - to be on my own, independent. I'm not sure what it is she is dreading, but I'm going to keep on prodding until I find out why.
My suspicion is that one of these days she is going to want to do something that she is not quite old enough to do. When that conversation takes place, I will have to remind her that she is the one that didn't want to grow up.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tuesday Nights
Tuesdays are generally pretty long days for my teenager. School all day and then babysitting a preschool and one elementary aged young boys. Dad took the opportunity for the ride home today while I finished up at work. Maybe he had the coveted conversation with my teenager today.
Dinner was ready when we all got home. Thanks Dad! Dinner conversation was your basic "I like the chicken." "The baked beans are good." "What do I do with the leftovers?" Very boring typical dinner conversation. Oh, and yes, we do still eat dinner together at one table sometimes.
Unfortunately, tonight's conversation did take a detour to a somewhat "awkward" topic. I will not disclose the exact topic of conversation so as to save face for my 14 year old, but suffice it to say "She still gets to see him outside of school, just on different terms."
The rest of our conversation was typical. Questions answered with shrugged shoulders and one word answers. I know she's tired and tomorrow has the opportunity to be better.
Dinner was ready when we all got home. Thanks Dad! Dinner conversation was your basic "I like the chicken." "The baked beans are good." "What do I do with the leftovers?" Very boring typical dinner conversation. Oh, and yes, we do still eat dinner together at one table sometimes.
Unfortunately, tonight's conversation did take a detour to a somewhat "awkward" topic. I will not disclose the exact topic of conversation so as to save face for my 14 year old, but suffice it to say "She still gets to see him outside of school, just on different terms."
The rest of our conversation was typical. Questions answered with shrugged shoulders and one word answers. I know she's tired and tomorrow has the opportunity to be better.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Memory
The ride to school this morning was so very pleasant! Monday mornings are late days and so they are usually a little less stressed with both of us betting a little more sleep.
The conversation this morning made me laugh and smile and really appreciate the person my teenager is becoming. Problem is, I cant' remember it!
I know it was some great content, and I was anxious to post it on this blog, created just to pass on the wonderful conversations we have. But blasted if my memory has completely failed me. I tell the folks I work with "I can't remember past the end of my nose" or "I have the memory of a gnat," but you think I would remember things as precious conversations with a teenager. For Pete's sake, they don't happen every day!
Ah well, maybe it will come to me in a dream tonight. If not, I'll just have to try better tomorrow. Maybe I will record some reminders next time into my Blackberry.
The conversation this morning made me laugh and smile and really appreciate the person my teenager is becoming. Problem is, I cant' remember it!
I know it was some great content, and I was anxious to post it on this blog, created just to pass on the wonderful conversations we have. But blasted if my memory has completely failed me. I tell the folks I work with "I can't remember past the end of my nose" or "I have the memory of a gnat," but you think I would remember things as precious conversations with a teenager. For Pete's sake, they don't happen every day!
Ah well, maybe it will come to me in a dream tonight. If not, I'll just have to try better tomorrow. Maybe I will record some reminders next time into my Blackberry.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Cartoons
A few months back my teenager and I were discussing cartoons "little kids" watch. Like Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Sponge Bob, etc. The topic of Power Puff Girls came up. I told my teenager that she probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as she did when she was a little girl. That it had probably lost its appeal.
Boy did that make her shiver! I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that the Power Puff Girls were still "awesome." To prove it, she began recording the show, and, of course, watching it. Just to prove her mom wrong.
This morning, as she was watching an episode, she and her dad were talking about the insinuations the cartoon eluded to that she now caught on to, but had no CLUE as a little girl. Something about the Amish was in this particular episode. "I had no IDEA there were so many insinuations in this cartoon!"
It's funny, as we grow and become more aware of the world around us - become more self-aware - we suddenly see things a little bit differently. Yes, she still enjoys the Power Puff Girls; she has made her point. But I think she enjoys them for a very different reason.
Boy did that make her shiver! I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that the Power Puff Girls were still "awesome." To prove it, she began recording the show, and, of course, watching it. Just to prove her mom wrong.
This morning, as she was watching an episode, she and her dad were talking about the insinuations the cartoon eluded to that she now caught on to, but had no CLUE as a little girl. Something about the Amish was in this particular episode. "I had no IDEA there were so many insinuations in this cartoon!"
It's funny, as we grow and become more aware of the world around us - become more self-aware - we suddenly see things a little bit differently. Yes, she still enjoys the Power Puff Girls; she has made her point. But I think she enjoys them for a very different reason.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Lunch
This is my teenager's first year of public school. She spent the first 10 years of her education in private schools. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Private school! Must have been nice." Well, it wasn't all nice. Yes, there were the uniforms and the great academic opportunities. There were some sports programs and small classrooms. But what was missing all those years was "school lunches."
For the first few years of her educational experience, she took her lunch to school. It could be a sandwich or any other normal cold, sack lunch, OR it could be "heat up" food. Aka, something that could be cooked in a microwave. The only problem was too many students and not enough microwaves. So most of the time my teenager chose foods that did not require heating. One year, the main snack was Funyuns. Everyday, no matter what else was in the proverbial lunch box, there was always a bag of Funyuns. Later on, the school did begin to serve actual lunches that were provided by private caterers and was, for the most part, really good food.
Fast forward to 10th grade and first year of public school with a high school attendance of about 800 as compared to a classroom of FIVE. Big shock to the system. The hardest adjustment was sort of unexpected. The lunchroom. Her entire public school career included daily lunch of cookies or vending machine food. The lunch line, evidently, was intimidating!
Today, my teenager gets in the car and says, sort of nonchalantly, "I ate the school lunch today." Well, when I picked my chin up off the seat of the car, I asked her where she got the courage and what did they serve and was it any good? Turns out, she has actually gone through the lunch line with some of her friends, she just didn't eat any of it. On the menu today, spaghetti. As to the quality, "It was OK, but the bread was REALLY good." As to future school lunches, the jury is still out.
For the first few years of her educational experience, she took her lunch to school. It could be a sandwich or any other normal cold, sack lunch, OR it could be "heat up" food. Aka, something that could be cooked in a microwave. The only problem was too many students and not enough microwaves. So most of the time my teenager chose foods that did not require heating. One year, the main snack was Funyuns. Everyday, no matter what else was in the proverbial lunch box, there was always a bag of Funyuns. Later on, the school did begin to serve actual lunches that were provided by private caterers and was, for the most part, really good food.
Fast forward to 10th grade and first year of public school with a high school attendance of about 800 as compared to a classroom of FIVE. Big shock to the system. The hardest adjustment was sort of unexpected. The lunchroom. Her entire public school career included daily lunch of cookies or vending machine food. The lunch line, evidently, was intimidating!
Today, my teenager gets in the car and says, sort of nonchalantly, "I ate the school lunch today." Well, when I picked my chin up off the seat of the car, I asked her where she got the courage and what did they serve and was it any good? Turns out, she has actually gone through the lunch line with some of her friends, she just didn't eat any of it. On the menu today, spaghetti. As to the quality, "It was OK, but the bread was REALLY good." As to future school lunches, the jury is still out.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Her Mother's Child
For my teenager, Drama is her favorite class. Today, she informs me that the assignment was to "act" like you are in a waiting room and is allowed to speak only one sentence. Her specific assignment was to be in a waiting room . . . waiting to interview for a business job. So my teenager says, " I fixed my posture, pulled my hair back behind my ears, and WOW! All I said was, 'I will get this job because I am perfect for it.' Everyone was like, 'I would hire you right now. You look so confident! Even with the purple hair and stars on your eyes.' I told them, 'Of course I do. I am my mother's child.'"
That's my girl! Thanks Nan for passing on the professionalism.
That's my girl! Thanks Nan for passing on the professionalism.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Linguistics
One of my favorite conversations with my teenager was about linguistics. Her philosophy is simple really. Ready?
"If you can spell it, it's a word."
"If you can spell it, it's a word."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Drive Home
My teenager is a babysitter. She works twice a week for a family about 20 minutes from our house. Our trip home today contained at least 6 topics.
Here goes:
As noted in an earlier post, non-verbal communication tells about half the story for a teenager. As she walked to the car, slumped shoulders and frowning, I knew it was not going to be a great ride home.
Topic 1:
"Long day?" I asked. "Yeah. My head hurts. Do you have any Advil?" Of course I have Advil, provide the requested pain reliever, and the next topic begins.
Topic 2:
"You know that old lady substitute at school that yells at me for no reason?" Proverbial question that I did not answer. "I now know why she yells at me. She CAN'T HEAR!" Evidently she was the substitute today for Spanish II. Instructions left included watching The Little Mermaid . . . in English. Which evidently was not watched thanks to texting and blue tooth capabilities.
Topic 3:
"My notebook is so pretty! Somebody at school had neon markers." A friend of hers asked why she did not have her boyfriend's initials written on the notebook. Her answer was quite logical . . . "High School love isn't supposed to last forever." Very insightful. "I have his initials in pencil."
Topic 4:
"I hate it when I'm mad." At this point in the conversation, I am mostly nodding and saying "uh huh." Evidently having emotions are OK, it's when emotions control you that it's not OK. "When I'm mad my stomach burns." Hmmmmm. Interesting from a 14 year old. She readily admits to strong mood swings. "I know it's happening, and I just can't stop it!" Really? She knows this about herself? I know adults that aren't this self-aware.
Topic 5:
"She is a compulsive liar and makes everything about her." The person being discussed here has been through more trauma than I hope to ever see in my lifetime. I explained to her that the lying is most likely a defense mechanism to get her through everything that has happened. "But why doesn't she stop?" Very good question. "Habit," I tell her. She accepts this answer, and then we moved to schizophrenia and creating a false reality to escape true reality. Whew! It's a lot for a middle-aged mother to handle, let alone a 14 year old.
Topic 6:
"I love Ramen Noodles."
Wow. All this in 20 minutes! AND, with a headache. Somewhere in the midst of all that we talked about music, a broken microwave, and who broke up with whom today. Did you keep up?
Here goes:
As noted in an earlier post, non-verbal communication tells about half the story for a teenager. As she walked to the car, slumped shoulders and frowning, I knew it was not going to be a great ride home.
Topic 1:
"Long day?" I asked. "Yeah. My head hurts. Do you have any Advil?" Of course I have Advil, provide the requested pain reliever, and the next topic begins.
Topic 2:
"You know that old lady substitute at school that yells at me for no reason?" Proverbial question that I did not answer. "I now know why she yells at me. She CAN'T HEAR!" Evidently she was the substitute today for Spanish II. Instructions left included watching The Little Mermaid . . . in English. Which evidently was not watched thanks to texting and blue tooth capabilities.
Topic 3:
"My notebook is so pretty! Somebody at school had neon markers." A friend of hers asked why she did not have her boyfriend's initials written on the notebook. Her answer was quite logical . . . "High School love isn't supposed to last forever." Very insightful. "I have his initials in pencil."
Topic 4:
"I hate it when I'm mad." At this point in the conversation, I am mostly nodding and saying "uh huh." Evidently having emotions are OK, it's when emotions control you that it's not OK. "When I'm mad my stomach burns." Hmmmmm. Interesting from a 14 year old. She readily admits to strong mood swings. "I know it's happening, and I just can't stop it!" Really? She knows this about herself? I know adults that aren't this self-aware.
Topic 5:
"She is a compulsive liar and makes everything about her." The person being discussed here has been through more trauma than I hope to ever see in my lifetime. I explained to her that the lying is most likely a defense mechanism to get her through everything that has happened. "But why doesn't she stop?" Very good question. "Habit," I tell her. She accepts this answer, and then we moved to schizophrenia and creating a false reality to escape true reality. Whew! It's a lot for a middle-aged mother to handle, let alone a 14 year old.
Topic 6:
"I love Ramen Noodles."
Wow. All this in 20 minutes! AND, with a headache. Somewhere in the midst of all that we talked about music, a broken microwave, and who broke up with whom today. Did you keep up?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Today has been an odd conversation day. It's been full of answers that don't quite match the questions. Don't get me wrong, the verbalized answers match the questions; it's the non-verbal responses that just don't jive.
Here's the scenario:
She spent the night with a friend; got in around five in the afternoon looking like a limp dish rag. When asked how it went, the responses included "we spent the day at the barn, and I can feel the freckles coming out already." They had plans to see Avatar at the IMAX, but turns out they were sold out. So, she saw The Lovely Bones instead. I suppose this movie would not be appropriate for all 14 year olds, but mine has a passion for the horror flicks. I asked if it was disturbing, and she said, "Not really. I've seen more disturbing. I just don't trust old men anymore." Huh? Followed by a double-take. "Not all old men, just creepy ones." Changing the topic suddenly, "I'm really tired," a sigh, and a slump of the shoulders. "Can I call him?" referring to new boyfriend. "I told him I would." As if her commitment prior to asking permission somehow makes me obligated to say yes. I said yes.
The rest of the evening is an obligation to a surprise birthday party for a friend of hers turning 16. I asked if she has a gift, and I get this: "Isn't my presence enough? It should be." Not in the "I'm a stuck-up" kind of way, but in a "we're good friends and isn't that enough?" kind of way.
So now, there is not enough time for us to get a gift and make the party. I go to her room, knock on the door, and she's cuddled under the comforter, still on the phone. Whining about being tired. "I want to go," she says, "I just don't want to get her a gift." Hmmmmm. Is this because she has procrastinated or she doesn't want to spend her money on someone? I don't have a clue.
I shut the door and hear a loud clash. I go back and she's giggling about knocking everything off her dresser when she threw her teddy bear at it after I closed the door. There's no sign of anger or impatience in her words, but it's that non-verbal throwing of the stuffed animal that makes me wonder what is really going on. Is this coincidental timing? Throwing the teddy bear at the dresser right after I leave the room? I may never know.
I'm wondering if we will make it to this party. I am not the kind of parent to push her into going, just the kind of parent that helps her see the outcome of her decisions before she makes them. Her decisions, her actions, speak louder than her words. Hopefully, I can help her to see that before she turns, oh, say 35!
Here's the scenario:
She spent the night with a friend; got in around five in the afternoon looking like a limp dish rag. When asked how it went, the responses included "we spent the day at the barn, and I can feel the freckles coming out already." They had plans to see Avatar at the IMAX, but turns out they were sold out. So, she saw The Lovely Bones instead. I suppose this movie would not be appropriate for all 14 year olds, but mine has a passion for the horror flicks. I asked if it was disturbing, and she said, "Not really. I've seen more disturbing. I just don't trust old men anymore." Huh? Followed by a double-take. "Not all old men, just creepy ones." Changing the topic suddenly, "I'm really tired," a sigh, and a slump of the shoulders. "Can I call him?" referring to new boyfriend. "I told him I would." As if her commitment prior to asking permission somehow makes me obligated to say yes. I said yes.
The rest of the evening is an obligation to a surprise birthday party for a friend of hers turning 16. I asked if she has a gift, and I get this: "Isn't my presence enough? It should be." Not in the "I'm a stuck-up" kind of way, but in a "we're good friends and isn't that enough?" kind of way.
So now, there is not enough time for us to get a gift and make the party. I go to her room, knock on the door, and she's cuddled under the comforter, still on the phone. Whining about being tired. "I want to go," she says, "I just don't want to get her a gift." Hmmmmm. Is this because she has procrastinated or she doesn't want to spend her money on someone? I don't have a clue.
I shut the door and hear a loud clash. I go back and she's giggling about knocking everything off her dresser when she threw her teddy bear at it after I closed the door. There's no sign of anger or impatience in her words, but it's that non-verbal throwing of the stuffed animal that makes me wonder what is really going on. Is this coincidental timing? Throwing the teddy bear at the dresser right after I leave the room? I may never know.
I'm wondering if we will make it to this party. I am not the kind of parent to push her into going, just the kind of parent that helps her see the outcome of her decisions before she makes them. Her decisions, her actions, speak louder than her words. Hopefully, I can help her to see that before she turns, oh, say 35!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Art
I love to spend the day with my teenager. OK, not the WHOLE day, but a few quality hours are delightful. I recently had the opportunity to take her and her friend to a major art museum to see a new exhibit featuring the works of Leonardo Da Vinci.
The featured exhibit was a bit disappointing. I never knew how much he thought of himself! He has some great quotes, but I wonder if such self-assurance in today's world would simply be seen as prideful.
On the way home, I asked my teenager what purpose she thought art served, if any. Her answer was, "It's entertaining." Her friend's answer was, "It is thought provoking." I LOVED these answers! They were fairly cookie cutter answers, but I accepted them.
Then I asked if she thought the original Creator was the inspiration for all art. She warbled a little here, but she finally decided on "no". I also asked about the art found in the church, and its appropriateness. She answered, "yes". I attempted to impress upon her how art, at its very origin. was about communicating a story. Regardless of the medium i.e. painting, stained glass, music, dance, or oration, it is about communicating a story.
Did she get it? I have no idea. That is what is so wonderful about conversations with my teenager. I never know if she really heard the words or just nods and thinks "It's just my mom going on about SOMETHING again!"
The last thing we talked about was the question, "Is everything in the museum classified as art in her opinion?" Her answer, "no". I didn't pursue anything on this one because I think I agree.
The featured exhibit was a bit disappointing. I never knew how much he thought of himself! He has some great quotes, but I wonder if such self-assurance in today's world would simply be seen as prideful.
On the way home, I asked my teenager what purpose she thought art served, if any. Her answer was, "It's entertaining." Her friend's answer was, "It is thought provoking." I LOVED these answers! They were fairly cookie cutter answers, but I accepted them.
Then I asked if she thought the original Creator was the inspiration for all art. She warbled a little here, but she finally decided on "no". I also asked about the art found in the church, and its appropriateness. She answered, "yes". I attempted to impress upon her how art, at its very origin. was about communicating a story. Regardless of the medium i.e. painting, stained glass, music, dance, or oration, it is about communicating a story.
Did she get it? I have no idea. That is what is so wonderful about conversations with my teenager. I never know if she really heard the words or just nods and thinks "It's just my mom going on about SOMETHING again!"
The last thing we talked about was the question, "Is everything in the museum classified as art in her opinion?" Her answer, "no". I didn't pursue anything on this one because I think I agree.
Introduction
OK, so I now have a blog. I am starting this blog because so many of my friends have said things like "You should have a blog." Does this mean I have succumb to peer pressure? Not necessarily. I agree with them! It's just taken me a while to find a topic that would last longer than a week.
The idea for using this topic to blog came from a moment I had with my teenager yesterday. It revolved around art and its purpose. She, and her friend, had valid and insightful thoughts on the subject.
My intention is to write the conversations within 24 hours of their occurrence. I would love to do this daily, but in the real world it probably won't be a daily post. If there is a lack of recent conversation, I will post past conversations that have impacted my life.
The idea for using this topic to blog came from a moment I had with my teenager yesterday. It revolved around art and its purpose. She, and her friend, had valid and insightful thoughts on the subject.
My intention is to write the conversations within 24 hours of their occurrence. I would love to do this daily, but in the real world it probably won't be a daily post. If there is a lack of recent conversation, I will post past conversations that have impacted my life.
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